The Lingering Question

Who am I?

A question that shows its face in this day of overcast skies

Where the sun seems as if it were light years away

Or is it?

The rain and the clouds share its space with me today

As I feel the heaviness of my body

I feel in disarray

All alone

in my thoughts and feelings

Looking to remember who I am

Yet falling short so it seems

In this dance that shows its face on this overcast morning.

Who am I?

So the master speaks to wake me from my dream

and I only know of what I am not

Yet catch me in the moment and I am totally

obliged into what is in that moment

Caught in the perception of past incarnations

trapped so it seems in the doors of chained dimensions

And so I sit here today

Half in one world and half in another

Yet my desire is to sit in the world of truth and oneness

Where the who am I is awakened into all depths of my being

Crystallized in me

Who am I lingering as the words reach the paper

I am not the heavy weight of my thoughts

I am not the characters in which I play

I am not the anger or hopelessness that I feel

I am not the disappointed fearing little girl

I am not the depressed woman of hardship

I am not the moments of despair  and alone

I am what is left

I am behind the scenes around and all about

I am what is the silence

That holds me up

even when I am falling

I am the nothing of where it all begins and ends

Nothing

Not a thought, memory, affirmation, feeling, emotion

Nothing is what I am 

In the void of the absolute

I stand

Sharp as a razor 

Dull as a knife

In every little inch of everything

I am 

and nothing at the same time

So it moves on fleeting the ever present question on this am morning

Who am I?

So I sit not knowing and knowing

Nothing and everything is what I feel

Feeling the void and the vastness of it all

Sitting indoors, inside of me

On this overcast morning

Half asleep, half awake

Waiting for the sun's light to crystallize in me

Reaching to live an awakened dream.

Received by Stephanie Sarasvati    5/16/2011

Know Your Story - Part 2

I've got a story to tell
The story that I have been living
Seems like the pathway to hell
The irony that unfolds in this tale
Is that with open eyes
You can see the pain and how it prevails

So you see,
Your story that you carry for so long
Becomes your accustomed right, your habitual tale
And when you open your eyes to the real illusions
They materialize in all that is not you

So as I unfold yet another story
I awaken to the character in me
A soldier's forever story
I learned not to trust
Defensive a must
Anger occurs quick
Ready for battle at the inch of a slip

The character transcends through time
and is now questioning all that comes by
Not trusting in the motives of others
Their opinions and judgements bring detriment
This character feels destruction
Every conversation is a battle
Trust in the other person could be fatal
On high alert from any old fable

So this is the story that arises
Lack of trust in others or the process
Defensive is the habitual unconscious
Rebuttal and argument is its fondest

The stories that reveal
When we seek to awaken
I bring this to the light
As the the first  process to transcendence.

Received by Stephanie Sarasvati 5/5/2011

Synopsis:
It is true that I have many many stories that are just starting to reveal themselves to me.  It just so happens that the Soldier Story is the one that comes up a lot now.  I have come to realize that this story makes itself known in many of my intimate relationships.  I am bringing this story to the light for it has had a strong hold long enough.  It is not to say that it is just going to disappear.  But I am conscious of it.  I am awake to it.  I reflect on when this story has shown its face in other circumstances.  Through the guidance of my teacher or other teachers, I have come to realize that it wasn't real.  The reactions and actions that I reflected were not based on truth.  So this is a little mantra that I take with me right now, "It is not true".  When we are interested in presence and consciousness and awakening to our true nature, we must sometimes see what gets in our way so we may see what is not true... to find out what is true.

Know Your Story -Part 1

Do you want to live in existence of love
In the state of presence above all else?

Well there is something that is a must
Know your stories that bring you disgust

In the simplest of terms they bring their own meanings
From the victim who is always complaining
Blaming others for anything and everything

Then there are the stories of power and control
Forcing their will on others, trying their best to maintain control

And then there are the stories of fear, distrust, battle for every little thing
Significant even when it is not

So here we are as a Human Race
With stories that take us away from Grace
From the victim who gives their power away to others and things
Limiting their action to change
And the one who thirsts for power from others
Meanwhile inside is feeling powerless - their struggle
Then sometimes the story of fear in others
Not trusting and defensive is their inner motive
All the while their projection is only a reflection
Of what is deeply reveiled on the inside

So......
"Know all your stories"
Is what I am told
and eventually they will lessen their hold.

Received by Stephanie Sarasvati  5/4/2011

Synopsis:
As is said in this poem our stories that reflect our relationships with others that cause dissonance at times is our fall from grace.  Our rights and wrongs, our hopelessness, our Bullyingness etc... are all stories that we have acquired in this life.  Most of us have them.  Many times they take us out, make us angry, upset, dictator like, etc...  If we want to free ourselves from the strong hold that they have we must see them for what they are.  They are not real.  They are our perceptions from our certain narrow glasses.  No matter how just or unjust it seems in the moment.  If we desire more presence, then we must bring consciousness to these stories.